(Some names have been changed)
My name is Rebecca.
I have been asked to write a bit about myself and what impact bigLove have had on my life recently.
Well, lets start where any good story starts; at the beginning. I am (for want of a better word) an addict. Although, I have used drugs and alcohol as a crutch since I was 15 years old.
I grew up in a family where my father was an alcoholic and my mother was always a bit neurotic and my family life was turbulent to say the least. At 15 I started using acid as a way of escaping. I got in with what my mum would say were “the wrong crowd”. That was an understatement. At 16 I was dealing acid for a night club in Worthing and was constantly putting myself in life threatening situations.
At 16 I was drugged and raped by two men and left like a bit of shit in a bush. From that day I became an angry little shit who really used men like I had been used. When I was 17 I met the love of my life, Sam. He was boxer sand I threw myself into the relationship and started getting fit and boxing. We did everything together and we were inseparable.
Then, at 19 years old I fell pregnant and we had Claire who is now 10. To cut a long story short our relationship broke down. He got on steroids and became a whole other person. He tried to strangle me after months of mental and physical abuse.
When Claire was nearly 2, I met Adam and our relationship grew from friendship to love. I was doing shit loads of speed and drinking really heavily but when I met him I stopped. I had company and I wasn’t alone anymore. I always had an inherent fear of being alone.
This relationship was good for about 5 years and then we’d split and then get back together all the time. Then I fell pregnant with Jamie. Claire saw here dad but always saw Adam as her Dad as well. Sam was an on and off fixture in her life - Adam was a constant.
Jamie was born and for my life it was the beginning of a living hell. I was diagnosed with chronic post-natal depression and Adam didn’t want to understand. He worked all the time and would go out just to get out of the house. I was lonely and isolated. We had moved to a village when I was 7 months pregnant and I didn’t drive so it was shit. I had nobody to talk to and all I wanted was to be able to be a normal mum. Adam made me feel like a let down; like a failure.
I started drinking and this quickly spiralled out of control. Soon I was drinking a litre of vodka a day plus loads of benzos diazepam and larozapam. I was like a living zombie.
I went into a residential rehab and this was horrendous. I came out after 6 weeks feeling like a shit human being; like I was totally worthless.
After I can out Adam wouldn’t let me come home. I became homeless and couldn’t see my children. I wad a wreck. |I had given up and felt like I had lost my whole life. Everything had gone wrong and I did what I do best - ran away. I went to stay with friends in London and just got wasted 24/7 just to forget the pain.
I came back to this area because I tried for the 5th time to kill myself. I nearly succeeded but was brought back by the paramedics. They transferred me from Kingston Hospital to Meadowfields Mental Institution (I had been here once before, just before I went into treatment) then from Meadowfields to Graylingwell.
I was truly screwed up; I had no will to live. I had lost it the day I could not return to my family.
Then I got into a rehab. It was there I picked up a Heroin habit. Then I was thrown out and was street homeless. Within a few days I was injecting heroin 2-3 times a day and was on my way to a slow death from the drink - or a quick on if I overdosed or “went over” as it’s called.
After nearly a year, I managed to get myself a flat and for a time was allowed to see my kids. Then because of an argument Adam told me I couldn’t see them.
Just after Christmas (which I spent alone in my flat) I had virtually given up on everything but I still had the fight to go to a solicitor about my kids and try to apply for another rehab (which I am currently waiting for).
I met a Big Love Volunteer by chance at an acquaintances’ house and he asked if he could help me in any way, so I arranged an appointment.
Two of the Volunteers talked to me about the charity. One of them brought food and clothes (which were much needed and appreciated) but more importantly he introduced me to the concept of God and Jesus and Christianity. I did not feel it was forced upon me. He told me briefly about his life and how it had changed since he found Christ and I began to have a bit of faith that there is something looking after me but I wasn’t sure what. Then Big Love asked me if I wanted to come to London on an organized trip to a huge Easter Service. When the service started, I can’t explain the feeling but all these people believed whole-heartedly in the Holy Spirit and really enjoyed the service.
For me, all my life I always felt like a bit of a square peg in a round hole but I had a strange feeling of actually belonging somewhere where I was meant to be and I now believe God can help me through this time in my life. He will make stronger and help me get my life back. I am so grateful that God brought Big Love into my life.
Thank you.
Rebecca
